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this is scary.. i kid u not... hari ahad gua jumpa pak cik gua n everything was ok... until tuesday.. n that is all i could say... i cant say much tho.. u know.. bukan gua yg experience nih.. n all that.. i felt the pain that his family is facing.. at times where this weekend they r welcoming a new member dlm keluarga diorg .. diorg lost the one that really matters.. no i shouldnt say that.. semua matters.. probably the most important... its weird sebab gua buat 2 post berturut turut pasal org yg pergi.. giler btul laa.. susah nak dibayangkan...

its been happenin.. probably this is the cycle of the world.. kebanyakkannyer to our own faults jugak.. mmg senang ckp pasal " if " it is in fact a very powerful word.... but anyway.. benda yg dah jadik jadik.. walaupun gua takkan dpt capture n felt the same as them.. still gua tetap akan rase sedih.. probably the best way to look at this.. is to put urself in their shoes... mmg dah ajal .. dah time.. that is a fact.. but the pain.. well they huc to endure that.. probably it is not best to say that... it is.. dont get me wrong.. mungkin gua prefer to not to talk.. sumtimes not talking is the best advice that u can give sumone..... give them the opportunity to let it all out... to let it all go away.....

semalam gua mmg super bored pun at the office.. i am waiting for a magic phone call to take me away frm work.. gua malas nak ponteng sgt.. im cuttin on ponteng a bit.. tapi i never tot man.... jeezz... if this is the news that would take me off work.. i would rather not hear it.. but at 11.30 i did get the news... n it was really sad... really really dark n gloomy.. i hope.. that by this weekend.. dgn ader nyer org baru.. it would take away some of the pain... it will never be the same.. but sumtimes it is better than huvin none.....

to my fellow frens n ppl close to me atau tgh baca benda nih.. i know dead can come at any time.. gua well aware even dr. tgh practice medicine n everyone is human... but we can do wat we can untuk berhati hati.. like many ppl said.. prevention is better than cure.. so.. watch wat u eat... n pls stay as healthy as u possibly can.. takde rambut dan perut mengandung.. jaga skit isap rokok tuh.... cheers..... (oo.. jin u r healthy.. cume cacat ajer.. kakakakakkakaka)

times two...

ok.. kepada allahyarham... gua tak kenal baik ngan die.. gua rase lepas sekolah gua tak kenal baik.. i dont know.. probably distance.. or simply we r not that buddy buddy.. but anyway.. last year .. out of the blue.. my close frens also the CEO of awan assembled satu team futsal utk satu tournament... nih julung julung kalinyer.. to tell u the truth tak pernah pun team nih main together.. kitaorg bukan main sumbat ajer .. well actually in a way mcm tuh lebih kurang laa.. tapi takde laa mcm tuh..

well kalo nak kire sebenanyer.. dari budak sekolah gua.. yg gua selalu jumpa pun hanyer laaa 2-3 org.. bukan gua tak close.. tapi mungkin the shape n personality dah tak suit lagik environment... mayb gua dah grow up ataupun org lain dah grow up.. cumer sekali sekala kalo jumpa i can feel that awkward or uncomfortable silence... but thats that.. mungkin time sekarang nih... we dont huv anything in common or anything.. but still.. memories of the past creep in.. n becomes the mutual point of things....

personally this is not like losing ur luv ones.. yes.. but it still count fo sumthing.. kena igt.. idup kite is made up of all this patches.. direct or indirect tetap ader impact.. thats why every person u ever meet in this life, kite igt.. sebab setiap sorang at least ader some spot dlm memori kite... this is the cycle of life.. n like all ends.. probably God huv better plans for him.. n i like many others shall now pray for Allah to bless him... amen...

Homecoming (Episode II)

This seldom happen.. pecaya laa gua.. gua pun tak paham camner nih bole tejadik... gua pun tak sangka nak buat episode II mcm star wars... n gua juga ingin mengambil kesempatan kepada kawan kawan yg lain supaya pegi laa tgk star wars sebab gua nak tgk episode 7,8,9... mungkin gua tak sempat tgk 10,11,12.. tapi tuh lain cite bai.....

again nih ader laaa void function.. nuthin in return.. just a tot send into the void.. (ok gua tipu sket...) some ppl might find this meaningful... n yes.. if u r the one.. these 2 episodes r dedicated to u... this is all i huv to say....

I. The Death of St. Jimmy

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

My heart is beating from me,
I am standing all alone,
Please call me only if you are coming home,
Waste another year flies by,
Waste a night or two,
You taught me how to live

In the streets of shame,
Where you've lost your dreams in the rain,
There's no signs of hope,
The stems and seeds of the last of the dope,
There's a glow of light,
The St. Jimmy is the spark in the night,
Bearing gifts and trust,
The fixture in the city of lust,

"What the hells your name,
What's your pleasure and what is your pain?
Do you dream too much?
Do you think what you need is a crutch?"

In the crowd of pain, St. Jimmy comes without any shame,
He says "We're fucked up",
But we're not the same,
And mom and dad are the ones you can blame

Jimmy died today

He blew his brains out into the bay,
In the state of mind is my own private suicide

II. East 12th Street
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
Well nobody cares,
Well nobody cares,
Does anyone care if nobody cares?
Well nobody cares,
Well nobody cares,
oes anyone care if nobody cares?

Jesus filling out paperwork now,
At the facility on east 12th Street,
He's not listening to a word now,
He's in his own world,
And he's daydreaming

He'd rather be doing something else now,
Like cigarettes and coffee with the underbelly,
His life's on the line with anxiety now,
'Cuz she had enough,
And he had plenty

Somebody get me out of here,
Anybody get me out of here,
Somebody get me out of here,
Get me the fuck right out of here

o far away,
I don't want to stay,

Get me outta here right now,
I just want to be free,
Is there a possibility?
Get me out of here right now,
This life like dream ain't for me


III. Nobody Likes You

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

I fell asleep while watching Spike TV,
After 10 cups of coffee,
And you're still not here,
Dreaming of a song,
But something went wrong,
And you can't tell anyone,
'Cuz no one's here

Left me here alone,
And I should've stayed home,
After 10 cups of coffee,
I'm thinking,
Where'd you go?

Nobody likes you,
Everyone left you,(Where'd You go)
They're all out without you,
Havin' fun,(Where'd you go)
Everyone left you,
Nobody likes you,(Where'd you go)
They're all out without you,
Havin' fun,(Where'd you go)
(go, go ,go)

IV. Rock And Roll Girlfriend(written and sung by Tre Cool)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Tre: Geez.....huhh...
-----
I got a rock n roll band,
I got a rock n roll life,
I got a rock n roll girlfriend,
And another ex-wife

I got a rock n roll house,
I got a rock n roll car,
I play the shit out the drums,
And I can play the guitar

I got a kid in New York,
I got a kid in the Bay,
I haven't drank or smoked nothin',
In over 22 days,
So get off of my case
off of my case
off of my case

V. We're Coming Home Again
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
Here they come marching down the street,
Like a desperation murmur of a heart beat,
Coming back from the edge of town,
Underneath their feet

The time has come and it's going nowhere,
Nobody ever said that life was fair now,
Go-carts and guns are treasures they will bear,
In the summer heat

The world is spinning round and round,
Out of control again,
the 7-11 to the fear of breaking down,
So send my love a letterbomb,
And visit me in hell,
We're the ones going

Home.
We're coming home again
Home.
We're coming home again

I started fuckin' running,
as soon as my feet touch ground,
We're back in the burrio,
And to you and me, that's Jingletown

Home.
We're coming home again,
Home.
We're coming home again,
Home.
We're coming home again,
Home.
We're coming home again,
Home.
We're coming home again,
Home.
We're coming home again,
Home.
We're coming home again,
Home.
We're coming home again,
Home.
We're coming home again,
Home.
We're coming home again,

Nobody likes you,
Everyone left you,
They're all out without you,
Havin' fun

Jesus Of Suburbia (Episode I)

i know i dont normally post lyrics here.. im totally againts it.. to me.. tuh mcm meaningless laa... unless lu post sumthing to explain wat the fuck it is all about... becoz i did just that.. normally becoz u know to some ppl that r close to u might be reading ur blog.. wat better way to make them perasan the lyrics r for them than posting it... well tru.. n besides after a couple of post gua tepakse letak dan buat jugak the same thing...

not today thought.. not today.. im posting a lyric now.. tapi tak ditujukan kepada sesaper.. just a tot yg dihantar utk tak return aper aper.. as we programmers would like to call... public void.... its for the public but thats about it...

[Part 1]

I'm the son of rage and love
The Jesus of suburbia
From the bible of none of the above
On a steady diet of soda pop and Ritalin
No one ever died for my sins in hell
As far as I can tell
At least the ones I got away with

And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me

Get my television fix sitting on my crucifix
The living room or my private womb
While the moms and brads are away
To fall in love and fall in debt
To alcohol and cigarettes and Mary Jane
To keep me insane and doing someone else's cocaine

And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me

[Part 2: City Of The Damned]

At the center of the Earth
In the parking lot
Of the 7-11 were I was taught
The motto was just a lie
It says home is where your heart is
But what a shame
Cause everyone's heart
Doesn't beat the same
It's beating out of time

City of the dead
At the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned
Lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care

I read the graffiti
In the bathroom stall
Like the holy scriptures of a shopping mall
And so it seemed to confess
It didn't say much
But it only confirmed that
The center of the earth
Is the end of the world
And I could really care less

City of the dead
At the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned
Lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to careeeeee

[Part 3: I don't care]

I don't care if you don't
I don't care if you don't
I don't care if you don't care
[x4]

I don't careeeeeeeeee

Everyone is so full of shit
Born and raised by hypocrites
Hearts recycled but never saved
From the cradle to the grave
We are the kids of war and peace
From Anaheim to the middle east
We are the stories and disciples
Of the Jesus of suburbia
Land of make believe
And it don't believe in me
Land of make believe
And I don't believe
And I don't care!
I don't care! [x4]

[Part 4: Dearly beloved]

Dearly beloved are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse

[Part 5: Tales of another broken home]

To live and not to breathe
Is to die In tragedy
To run, to run away
To find what you believe
And I leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies
I lost my faith to this
This town that don't exist

So I run
I run away
To the light of masochist
And I leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies
And I walked this line
A million and one fucking times
But not this time

I don't feel any shame
I won't apologize

When there ain't nowhere you can go
Running away from pain
When you've been victimized
Tales from another broken home

You're leaving...
You're leaving...
You're leaving...
Ah you're leaving home...

okok

i did see some comments.. kakkakaka.. funny funny.. i know i can put a counter and see the stats myself.. tapi jgn luper kengkawan.. talking is a primitive frm of communication.. so do hand signal dan lain lain lagik.. kakakakakak.. gua tatau btul ker tak.. but actually kalo dpt 2,3 pun dah cukup utk gua feel good bout myself.. the truth is... gua pun byk baca blog org tapi org org yg tulis nih tak seda.. gua rase tak bess biler diorg tak update.. tapi wth... semua org ader masalah diorg masing masing.. gua rase kalo intenet tak restricted pada time office.. gua rase lagik byk benda gua bole ckp.. kakakakka... but thats that.....

as usual gua start penyakit tade menda nak buat... this is infact a very very good month... lots of good things happened n happening in few weeks times.. cthnyer nxt monday pay day... to me pay day is alwayz a good day.. buat gua rase relief daripada segala bebanan kewangan.. bsides dlm keadaan kehidupan gua yg agak tak happenin lately.. pay day mcm raya sial.. raya... kkakkakkkkakka... ader beberapa menda lagik.. setengah setengah ingin diutarakan but at this moment.. rasenyer tak appropriate lagik... well i do wonder one thing though.. let say berlakunyer satu tragedi.. tetapi kite mendapat keuntungan daripada tragedi tuh.. how should we feel?....

is it bad?... adaka itu dikatakan sebagai mengambil kesempatan di atas keaiban org lain.. ada ka itu maksudnyer lu org tak care?... emmm.... its like one day lu jalan.. pastuh jumpa satu awek nih.. die lonely dan horny pastu die tetiber ajak lu main?... wtf?... im not suggesting that u supposed to main laa sebab come on laa.. itu mmg salah.. tapi awek tuh dlm kesedihan... lu amik kesempatan ker.. not that kinda thing ever happens to me or anything.. im just wonderin.. should u or should u not?.. maksud gua amik opportunity atas kemalangan org lain... (bukan "main" bai...)

does that make u a bad person?... kakkakakakakkaka.... (kalo lu main mmg laa.. gua tak ckp pasal main)... am i in that position? well bole dikatakan begituh.. dan pada pandangan gua... gua dah evaluate sebaik mungkin benda tuh.. i dont think i am at fault.. mayb gua ikut kata hati gua.. i would like to think that.. tapi gua rase gua dah evaluate aper yg perlu dan aper yg penting... gua penin ngan keja gua.. i'll post sumthing better later...

after math...

let me get this out... kalo ader org baca blog nih... drop a comment sebab gua nak tau berapa byk org baca.. gua rase dlm 1-2.. kalo dpt 3 tuh dah kire accomplishment.. mungkin sebab tuh jugak gua tak selalu update sgt... xde cite?... no no.. tak kesah laa how boring ur life is.. there is alwayz stories to tell... musti ader... mungkin take xciting tapi musti ader citer... musti ader.. so tuh bukan reason kenaper gua tak tulis sgt... shit after looking at zaxh braff punyer blog.. it just blows me away.. punyer byk org sial baca blog die.. shit.. it is good kalo ader org nak dgr aper kite nak ckp.. sebab kite tatau.. one of these days... we might be preaching sumthing yg mmg betul tapi semua org lain tak seda... wouldnt it be great that one day lu blog sumthing... or mayb an idea.. then ader org penting baca then die pike oo.. shit.. giler babi...

which brings me to the point that i want to diskus today... probably semua org tau pasal cite budak nak sambut hari guru tapi mati kena langgar tuh.. yer yer tuh jadik kat jalan on the way nak pegi umah gua.. sekarng every weekend on my way back... giler bapak ader 30++ line tebal dan lebih kurang 10 bump kot... giler betul diorg nih... gua rase by year end die bubuh satu stretch jalan tuh ngan bump.. how stupid can u be.. well u see.. the problem is.. officially jalan tuh dikatakan hway utk ker port.. mmg jauh laa kalo lu nak bandingkan the real hway ngan jalan nih....budak kire kanan.. in fact sewaktu gua sekolah gua try avoid jalan luar nih as i call it.. fuck man.. at any time lu bole kena langgar ngan lori yg bapak besa.. its a freakin hway in the middle of kampung...

dont get me wrong.. diorg decide nak buat satu lagik hway.. which is a real hway dekat the other side of the kampung... tuh yg buat kebanyakkan org kampung gua kaya.. sebab tanak yg diorg jual utk projek tuh.. but the slap on tol punyer price yg mahal giler.. so obviously lori lori nih nak save cost guna jalan yg sedia ada.. which leads to all these... fuck... kenaper die susah susah nak pike dan bump kan jalan biaser padhal kalo die pike lebih skit bukan lagik senang ker kalo murahkan skit tol tuh... come on ppl... dont be so stupid.. susahkan benda benda yg senang.. buat aper nak susahkan benda yg senang... stupidity.. but anyway.. nampaknyer diorg quite happy ngan aper yg diorg buat.. probably sampai satu hari nanti biler kejadian yg lebih dasyat terjadi... probably lepas tuh wat... else.. bump every 5m kot... n still the real hway is gonna be empty.....

rockin like a celebrity...

i am not posting that often anymore.. i kno i kno.. sekarang susah nak carik time? bukan susah nak tulis aper aper sebab takde menda sgt pun nak tulis.. nak carik menda happenin.. kena carik menda happenin.. well cam last week.. sepanjang minggu gua tak sure gua nak pegi ker tak satu kenduri kat perak nih.. i huv 30 bucks n ader lagik 3 minggu before pay day.. if u decided to do the math.. well it will not work out well.. maner possible.. so gua mmg frm the early week decided not to go.. sebab financially mmg gua tak mampu... tapi in my heart mmg gua nak pegi... nak pegi sebab gua dah borin every weekend takde menda nak buat.. jadik kalo dpt tuka angin bagus jugak....

so by friday... mengikut kata tuan pengerusi gua kena buat decision.. the shit was tight.. gua mmg tak bole afford but sumhow gua ckp gua nak pegi jugak... n i think for one day at least gua dpt jugak tuka angin... mmg perjalanan jem cam haram... penat n all that shit.. tapi at least for that one day gua buat benda yg tak biaser sgt... time kaseh laa pada org org yg kawen berduyun duyun minggu minggu terbabit.. sepanajang tahun nih gua tgk org samada beli keta baru .. atau pun kawen... mungkin tahun depan org tak byk beli keta dan tak banyak kawen kot....

the trip was awesome.. kalo laa bole dpt beberapa keta lagik nak join.. dan proses mandi manda tak memakan mase 15 minit.. i kno i played a part in that.. tapi fuckin hell .. kalo lu org baca map die pun lu org bole mati woo.. macam maner buat map camtuh.. but anyway.. puas hati jugak.. mungkin tidak pada jin sebab die tak dpt celup kepla die.. kakakakkaakkaa.... mungkin one of these days kite akan pegi balik n spend some time.. gua tak rase one of these days tuh akan amik mase betahun tahun.. mungkin dlm beberapa bulan camtuh....
sekarang situation agak tight.. shit.. situation alwayz tight ngan diri gua... i guess it is time to disiplin kan diri gua.. kena follow the way of the force.. n now the way of the force is sayin that i should control my spendings.... well.. to become a jedi i must.. kakakkaakkakaa.... bukan bai sebelum jadik remaja bankrap baik gua buat... gua rase gua pun takde laa jauh sgt nak sampai situ.. better watch out...

we r all on drugs...

yes.. i huvnt post in a while.. kalo laa tulis blog nih satu keja kan senang... kakakkka.. in fact gua penah jumpa iklan tuh kat jobstreet.. blogger... i didnt apply though... menyesal plak tak apply.. tapi it is dangerous beb lu bagi opinion lu pada hal hal semasa ... kekadang opinion lu burn lu balik bai.... i've been busy... yess btul.. tak silap lagik .. busy.. buat pertama kali nyer dlm setengah tahun nih diorg dump keja keja pada gua... mungkin diorg pun dpt sense yg gua asik goyang kaki tak buat menda... n probably they r sensing that im not goin to make it.. shit... im bitter... to bash or talk rationally bout that.. i need another entry....

today was the 1st day dlm 2-3 minggu nih yg gua bebetul free dan bole lepak skit... i know.. i've been doin it for the first 5 months.. kakakaka... i did an entry back then.. cite pasal where im at at this moment in time.. for the 1st time in my career gua bejaya bekerja dlm satu institusi selama setahun.. kakakakaka... sungguh membanggakan... gua pike pike balik camner laa bole sampai setahun.. mostly gua rase sebab by year end tahun lepas gua tak dedicate kan gua utk carik keja lagik.. sebaliknyer carik duit utk belaja.... jadik gua stop apply keja.. pelik bai.. once lu stop.. takde aper yg jadik... well actually tak jugak.. i did went to 5 interviews dlm duration tuh.. n ya.. i did go 0 - 5.. dry spell... cam shuga34.... miss jugak a few... well actually byk jugak laa.. unless gua akan go for 22 , 33 interview a year... (unlikely tho) so tak bole laa samakan ngan FG... jesus might go 11 - 22 n go for 30 pts.. tapi interview susah bai.....

that tell u that the more u try.. the more the possibility it went in... life 101.. senang ajer.. kalo lu nak awek.. lu usha 1000 org.. musti dpt punyer.. the probability of gettin 1 in 1000... i did go last week to another interview.. makin it 6.. but i dunno yet whether i would go 0 - 6... still too early.. is it?.... i dont know if it is me.. i just dont know.. mungkin jugak gua dah guna my lucky charm far to often last year.. sampai tahun nih takde dah... shit.. i know i should huv save some... i'm in no mood for anything.. wen u huv 28 bucks n another 18 days before pay day... u know how suck it gets.. sial laa... n of course wen u spend the entire 6 mth waitin for sumthin that u know is not there.. thats a bummer too.. rules.. rules... rules... haiyooo... human.... if there is such a place as machine city.. i'll live there.. i got no problem nak mix around ngan machines... they can even turn me into energizer if they want to..

yesterday was the worst.. its been a while since i got bad news... bad news r everywhere cumer yg related ngan lu tak selalu la.. sebenanyer everyday gua rase bad news.. but this is sumthin more serius.. yes they r things more serius than duit utk phd n jordans... i'm so sorry... the realness in this is scary that i cant even imagine it... keep ur head up.. God has other plans for u.... i saw a sticker once wen i was driving.. it says:
IF THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE IS ALLAH.. THEN YOU HAVE EVERYTHING... well... u r not losing anything then.... cheers n keep ur head up....