Are you there god..... Its me

Santiago was a shepherd who dreamt about a treasure hidden in the pyramid of Egypt. He met a wise man who then told him that it is his destiny to look for the treasure. He did believing that he is realizing his life long dream. However he did not find the treasure in egypt. He was disappointed, but throughout his journey, he learned a lot , worthy of a chest full of golds. or so he thought ... in the end, he found his treasure, at a stable underneath a tree where he always sleeps. now... that is santiago... if u think that this next story would be inspiring.... a story of how a boy perseveres with extreme rights and wrongs to find his pot of gold at the end of a rainbow... then u better stop n walk away... this next story is a story of how a boy lost his faith in everything he ever believes.... how optimism was spat out onto his face and then, turned him.... bitter.... n full of anger....

aper citer nih.... aper citer sampaikan blog yg tak penah takde entry setiap bulan bole membisu dekat 3 bulan.... takde citer gembira yg nak diceritakan... this is a story of how "yang dikejar tak dpt, yg kendung beciciran" is so true that u wonder whether this story is more like a hollywood flick where keanu reeves plays an alien who was assigned to evaluate the people of earth for termination.... ok ok... bukan tuh.... more real mcm believing that mel gibson is actually william wallace... citer gua citer org biaser... ade angan angan besa utk megubah diri sendiri dan mengubah dunia - to make the world a better place ... kononnyer nak kasik idup lebih bermakna... the story of this story started way back in January 2009.. masa time tuh super tanyer gua samada gua dah besedia nak graduate... gua bagi die the "HUH" looks.. sbb gua sendiri tak sure samada gua dah ready nak graduate... but like a good master... diorg tau biler apprentice diorg ready....

knowing that gua dah ready utk jadik dr... gua pun igt gua bole buat lebih lagik dari balik ke malaysia dan bekerja sebagai government servant... stuck in a dead-end job - lifeless without any monetary gains....

I thought of something bigger than that... about how I can play a significant (albeit small but significant) role in helping people pro-long their lives.... about how I can contribute in a bigger n wider scope... how I can make more of myself... doing what u love... n getting paid ... atau pun meraih hasil selepas segala usaha susah payah yg telah dikeluarkan... i thought I have paid my dues... have suffered enough n its time to get paid.. its my time.. or so I thought... tapi aper pun bermula laa pencarian kerja dari bulan mac hinggalah pada 21 november 2009... di maner gua telah ditawarkan jawatan di sanger, cambridge... gua tipu laa kalo gua ckp ini bukannyer keja yg gua carik carik... sbb selepas almost 1 tahun carik keja.... pegi 15 interviews kena reject.... pastuh alih alih dpt jugak keja kat tempat yg skit punyer susah nak amik post doc plak tuh.... bole dikatakan agak membanggakan... (gua tulis agak kat situh).... time tuh terbayang segala pahit jerih.... segala gamble... the nights (yer ade "s") di maner gua biarkan isteri gua sorang sorang kat spital betemankan natalia yg tgh kuning utk pegi interview kat scotland.... hari terakhir dekat UK di mane gua biarkan isteri gua sorang menguruskan barangan kitaorg utk di bwak ker airpot dan berurusan dgn landlord lagik bagi membolehkan gua interview ker birmingham sblm berangkat.....

hari hari di mane gua janjikan pada org rumah gua.. aaqilah dan natalia bahwa kita akan kembali.... saban hari gua cerita pasal kehidupan kitaorg selepas nih... selepas kembali.... bahwa kitaorg tak perlu ucapkan selamat tinggal.... gamble tak hantar barang balik.... amik loan utk membolehkan barang di simpan buat sementara...korbankan 5 bulan utk remain mencari kerja... pergi interview... biarkan org rumah gua menyara keluarga utk 4 bulan bagi membolehkan gua mengejar dream utk menjadi the better man... yer.. segala pahit jerih tak berduit .... korek duit mane yg ader utk terus survive kat sini.. utk membolehkan gua terus dgn cite cite nih.... citer kepada citer nih dah diceritakan hampir sepanjang bulan 12.... little that i know that the story of this story was only just begun....

and then... quicksand... a spiral of misfortune happened... n like han solo... frozen... takde aper ble buat melainkan duduk kaku dan tgk betapa cepatnyer roda pusing 180 darjah... 21 november 2009 was the beginning of the worst 3 months of my life..... dan secara langsung dan bukan tidak langsung... org rumah gua dah dua org anak gua.... 3hb disember gua pun resigned dari kerja gua dan sekaligus bermula laa proses utk merealisasikan segala impian... i thought I already tackled the most difficult part .... instead.... getting a clearance into the UK is even harder... Yes... even with an A-rated sponsor and a significant number of points.... bukanyer cukup point.. tapi dah melebih lebih.. kalo time test ade 100, gua ade 150 lagik... igtkan semuanyer formality.... a walk in the park.... because just like santiago... i believe that if u really want something.... the universe will conspires to help u.... but 3 months later.... if i ever find the universe walking pass me... i would f*ckin kill the universe.... jadik RM10,000 and 2 months later.... I am still stuck without visa.... n things are just beginning to get ugly... i thought 10K was it... but no... God has other plan....

lepas 2 kali (yup 2 kali) kena rejek... nampaknyer the home office masih tak kasik gua masuk sbb gua tak settlekan semua sponsor punyer obligations... nampaknyer diorg masih nak tau ape citer gua dgn kpt.... walaupun sebenanyer gua rase itu diorg dengki ajer sbb tanak kasik ramai ramai org foreigner masuk.... kalo laa malaysia camtuh.. sudah tentunyer gua tak kena rompak 3 minggu lepas... don't worry do read on (not because you want to feel inspired) buat we will come to that "rompak" punyer citer.... finally, i've met wit one of the most ignorant government bastard to ask about the settlement.. without any creative suggestions (it's an offer from cambridge u dumb ass - a chance to see a malaysian contributing for a noble cause) - gua dibiarkan termanggu dgn utang RM520,000.00 ... yes i did put the right number of 0's there.... n that government bastard would be the next to go after the universe...

with 520,000.00 hanging on my head... n -40,000.00 deep (its a -ve incase u missed it)... i have no way to go.... so what do u do... with no universe to aid u in getting 520,000.00, gua pun mengaku kalah... now.. all the sacrifices - instead of becoming all the trials n tribulations utk bejaya.. menjadi segala actions yg bodoh yg tak sepatunyer di ambik... it's an act of stupidity.... not to inspired.. but plain stupid.... (ok.. it makes u feel like a dumb ass, urself).... jadik dgn tonyoknyer gua pun menonyokkan diri utk kembali... supaya tidak dikenakan penalty setengah juta... 1 bulan selepas tuh takde beriter... 1 bulan setengah tuh ade beriter bahwa rayuan ditolak.... tapi akan dipertimbangkan option lain... pertimbangkan option lain in the government means we will process the matter in 1 month time because there is a zillion meetings to attend.... by time nih gua dah out of work dekat 4 bulan.... solely surviving dgn duit kawan... yes u read that right.. kawan gua seorang nih menyara idup gua dah dekat 4 bulan nih... disebabkan kamera gua dah jual.... barang barang berharga lain semau dah jual... lepas nih gua dah takde aper nak cagarkan melainkan diri gua sendiri.... if my nude pic surface sometime next month.... don't be surprised .... i am that desperate n yes... mmg dah sampai ker level itu....

dalam kekecohan ini... di satu mlm yg hening pkl 4 pagi... gua dikejutkan dgn 2 parang kat depan muka dan 3 lelaki betopeng yg sungguh busuk baunyer.... diikat dan dijadikan tebusan yg sampai kini menyebabkan gua masih lagik trauma.... ok ok.. santiago pun kena rompak... he lost all his possession before crossing into egypt... but being a hostage in you own home (in-laws sebenanyer) in your own country is a bit too much to swallow... segala hal kat UK - satu pembaziran... mintak visa - satu pembaziran.... tak keja - satu pembaziran... pinjam duit org - satu pembaziran... kena rompak ??? that is how "sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga" truly defined.... n that is where i draw the lines.... gua tau pasal org yg nak makan pun susah ... gua tau pasal palestine yg hari hari kena perang dan bole mati bebiler masa.. pasal org yg kena gempa... pasal org miskin ... pasal org idup susah takde aper nak makan... pasal budak budak yg tak nasib baik... dan betul jika nak dibandingkan dgn diorg aper sgt laa musibah yg menimpa gua nih... gua tau semua org ckp camtuh... at least kena rompak takde aper aper jadik... at least ilang duit tapi bole dpt keja lagik,.. at least duit ilang tapi takde laa sampai tak makan... at least itu ini begituh beginih... ini musibah kecik dan patut amik peganjaran....

well, if u one of those people, then I have just two words for u.... fuck u !!! if i knew that my life would be just this.. i would kill my self yesterday.... i'm not suicidal... but i was seriously considering suicide a few weeks ago.... something clever mcm will smith dlm seven pounds... it would be one of those stories... the how u end up here story - but not in a good way... like mike - i am optimistic about life.. i wanted to try because the worst that could happened is it didn't turned out the way u envision it ... but unlike mike.... utk gua... the worst is still to come... and on the 23rd of March things got worse.... disebabkan nak amik balik keja pun dah makan masa sebulan lebih... maka kpt pun dgn baik hatinyer mintak jugak 520,000.00 sbb gua masih lagik tak berkhidmat dgn memaner agensi kerajaan.... i am still alive today.. but i have to admit that these happenings have killed what little faith I have in me.. unlike santiago.... this is not "maktub" for me... and unlike santiago... kalo gua cuber tuka takdir yg sudah termaktub dalam idup gua - u'll end up with RM700,000.00 in debts (yes... i did put the correct number of 0's).....

so what's left..... ???? what is left for me.... will I persevere ??? is all this just another challenge that I need to overcome... Santiago was robbed... n he had to stay to get his money back.... because the universe will conspires to help u... in search of ur dreams.... fuck that... n fuck the universe.... n fuck all government servant (relaks... gua pun hamba kerajaan jugak).... a new life perhaps ??? yes a new life... tapi waktu nih gua tak nampak aper aper yg baik pun akan jadik.... selalu lepas satu satu kesah ade menda kite belaja... aper yg gua belaja ??? that in life if u want to be somebody... if u want to change ur fate.. u gotta to have money.... if u r a mid class and below (not a son of a datuk or tan sri atau yg sewaktu dgnnyer) u might as well learn to live with it... there is nothing that u can do to change who u r... because some bastards willl always get in ur way... because no matter how hard u try... the universe will not going to help u because it listens.... listen... that it... gua akan always bitter dan always bedendam sebegini... if u want good things to happen to u.. then do bad things.... good things are not for good people... rohaniahnyer yg dapat.... rohaniah ??? uhhhhhhh i killed rohaniah too, after the universe and the bastard....

i told u that its not going to be an inspiring story... but this is reality... and as real as a-non-hollywood real story goes, the ending always suck.... but its real....

in 5 years time they probably understand me.... i hope... it is sad how one stupid government servant can killed ur dreams... how a dickhead clearance officer killed ur dreams.... how when you always turned to a mysterious force to aid u - it only listens ..... i'm hoping that i'm dreaming - and wakes up back in January 2009.... where the story of this story begun... but hope - just like faith is a very dangerous thing.... takde pengajaran kat sini..... i would like to dedicate an enormous amount of gratitude to the people who make this possible (and infinite amount of fuck u too) to mj, santiago, andy dufreshne, takehiko inoue (indirectly - sakuragi hanamichi), myself - back in January 2009, all the officers at VFS and british high commission.... and to all beloved government servants (special mentioned; En. husin). kepada yg lain lain yg sudi membaca sampai ke sini.... good luck with ur life - I hope it doesn't turned out as shitty as mine..... then again "I hope" ....